I've been looking forward to writing a blog on this topic ever since I made a list of all the things I wanted to write about and here's why; I truly believe that the relationship between Dad and Daughter is very much underplayed. I imagine there are many Dad's out there that are not enlightened to the huge impact they have on their daughters, not just because they are their parents and with that comes huge responsibility, but because they have a direct impact on their self-esteem. According to Steve Biddulph, a girl's self-esteem is a response to their father's attitude toward her! Dads matter so much to girls and women. A daughter needs to feel like she is incredibly special to her dad and from that comes a deep special sense of self-esteem.
Girls need their fathers (if their father is unavailable, then a special man in their life, will also be impactful for example an Uncle, Grandfather, or family friend), to provide positive support and acceptance as she experiences changes. Girls form strong messages about future relationships from the way their fathers treat their mothers/partners, so be aware of this. She is watching and taking it all in. Even if you are no longer together, the way you interact with your former spouse speaks volumes.
Show your daughter affection, hugs are so important, evidence suggests that a 20-second hug releases oxytocin, the feel-good hormone, and creates a strong connection and bond, so hug away Dad's. A hug also reduces stress, something your daughter is going to feel a lot of as she enters her preteen and teen years and it also boosts the immune system.
The other reason I believe dad and daughter relationships are so important is that a man's perspective helps create a balanced view of the world that she might not have the opportunity to experience otherwise.
Here are some great ways Dads can build the bond between them and their daughters:
Go for a smoothie together, no other adults, no other kids. If you have two daughters, take them out individually, one on one time is really important and allows them to share things they might not otherwise share if others are around.
Get involved with their education in any way you can, this shows you are interested in all aspects of their life.
Be a good listener, sometimes girls just want to vent, show you are there to listen and be present and encouraging.
Be adventurous, help them take risks, try something new, get them to do something outside of their comfort zone, and let them know you believe in them and that they can do anything, this is really empowering.
Compliment things you notice about her personality i.e I love how kind you are to your friends, I love how thoughtful you are, I love how much you help mum, I love how creative you are, this really helps build her confidence. Compliments about their appearance are great too but don't overdo it.
Show an interest in the things she likes, her favourite types of film, listen to her favourite music together, take her to her sports clubs and watch.
Show empathy and don't add criticism for example, when she is having a tough time, say "I can see that was really hard for you". Not, "I can see that was really hard for you, but you've taken it too seriously". She needs to know her feelings (all of them) are acceptable.
Tell her you love her, every day. Yes, that's right, every single day. Even if that's out of your comfort zone, being told she is loved by their father (or father figure) will echo in their minds for a long, long time.
Be respectful and supportive to your daughter and keep your promises, this teaches your daughter to expect that in the relationships she seeks.
If she wants to talk, be ready to listen, don't shy aware from difficult topics and tell her to speak to her mother, and do your own research on things she might be facing as she grows up like periods, boys, drugs, drinking so that you are prepared to give advice should she ask for it.
If you have a daughter approaching the preteen and teen years, bear these things in mind:
Don't make fun of her
Don't walk into her room unannounced
Don't let them think you are a pushover, she still needs to know boundaries.
Don't talk badly about women in front of them, especially from a body image perspective
Don't compare her to her sister (if she has one) or any other female
Don't talk negatively about what she is wearing (even if you don't approve) i.e you're not going out dressed like that!
Don't dictate - discuss, show her that her opinion is valuable to you
Don't say "When I was young, we didn't do this that or whatever", believe it or, she really doesn't care what you did or didn't do when you were young, well at least not for the time being she doesn't!
Don't 'lord' it over her, saying "I'm the parent" or "I know what's best for you", this has the opposite effect on her behaviour and makes her feel powerless and unheard.
It's never too late to start doing any of the above, build that bond, make that connection, your daughter will thank you and respect you for it.
And remember Dads, if you want your daughter to bring home a future 'mate' that you get along with, then make sure you model the behaviour you expect her to look for in a partner.
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