Over-reacting is something I have crafted into an art form over the years, in fact, I've got a qualification in it!...
Husband walking up the stairs without me hearing him, I scream because I didn't know he was there! No one else could be in my house, but I am still shocked, even though I saw him two minutes ago!
My daughter lets go of my hand in a busy shopping centre for one second to itch her nose, I shout at her, not to let go of my hand ever, because she might get kidnapped!
The teacher didn't pick me when I finally plucked up the courage to put my hand up, because I actually knew the answer for a change, the teacher must hate me!
Kids are on their phones and being sneaky (I think), they must be doing something they shouldn't be doing so they get their phones taken off them. The truth is, they are looking for photos so they could make me something for my birthday, whoops!.
Does any of the above sound familiar, or is it just me?!
I am hearing these little examples of over-reacting quite often lately from my girls and their friends. But how much of it is harmless and how much do they actually end up internalising.
The psychology behind over-reacting is based on us trying to protect ourselves against threats. When we perceive a "threat" to our wellbeing, the body activates the stress response. Stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline are released to prepare you to either fight the potential threat or run away from it. Or in many people's cases, like me, we might shout!
When I was younger, there were so many occasions when I took offence to things, I over-reacted to situations and I know you can put a lot of that down to age and growing up, but it would have been very useful if I had understood how to put things into perspective. This is something I work on with the children I coach. It's really easy to create a big story out of a small situation and then get carried away in the drama of it all, but when we put it into perspective, it does more than diffuse the situation it actually helps us not to take things personally.
Don't get me wrong, I am not for one moment suggesting we don't empathise with our children when they think the world is against them and believe me they do, almost daily, yikes. But, indulging it, is not the answer. Nowadays, I prefer to offer up a different perspective and leave it with them to consider. Here are some examples of how the old me used to react and how the new me, now does react.
Child: My teacher hates me because she never picks me for anything.
Over-reacting me (the old me): Don't talk about your teachers like that, how dare you be so disrespectful.
My new me: Oh no, that sucks, perhaps you can let your teacher know that you would like to be more involved?
Child: My friends don't include me in anything, I think they are trying to push me out of the group.
Old me: They sound really horrible, you should go and find new friends so that you don't feel like that.
The new me: That must be really tough for you, perhaps you can speak with one of them, as they may not realise they are doing it or realise that you feel that way.
Child: My life is so rubbish, I never get anything I want.
Old me: Stop being so dramatic, you are so ungrateful, I work hard to make sure you get the things you need and want.
The new me: Sorry you feel that way, perhaps you can make a list of all the things you want and we could look at it together and see if we can make some things better for you. You could put together a list of the things you need most and try and work towards getting them.
If you find yourself overacting a lot, especially with your children, then you could try the following:
- Establish the difference between reacting and overreacting.
- Try to identify your triggers (for me it was ungratefulness, not being truthful and being unkind to each other), once you have identified them work on your relationship to them (there is a really good book you can read, called the Dark Side. of the Light Chaser, by Debbie Ford, it's great for this sort of thing).
- Take a breathe before you do or say anything.
- Gain perspective on the past and the future (it's so easy to react to your children based on your own past experiences, try to look at the situation in the present moment and not bring your own history into it).
- Don't bottle up your emotions, there is no issue with letting your child know how something makes you feel if you do it in a calm and measured way.
I have also found that taking a look at myself in more detail and working out things from my past, that may have caused me upset, pain, frustration, disappointment etc has made a huge difference in how I react to the situations my daughters get into.
You are going to face a lot of situations as your children move through their teenage years and a lot of them will be related to things they really should not have done, whether it's getting into trouble at school, being a nuisance in the neighbourhood, sneaking people into the house without you knowing or going to parties without your consent. But, the truth of the matter is, that if you learn while they are young to manage the situations they are putting you in, in a calm manner without taking things out of perspective and over-reacting, the chances are they will feel a lot more comfortable telling you things in the first place.
I'm already seeing positive changes in both my daughters, from my change in response, I'm not perfect by any means, I still over-react sometimes, but now, because it's less often, they will pull me up on it and I apologise.
One of my daughters even said to me the other day that they feel so much happier telling me things, that they would otherwise have thought they couldn't, because they know I'll be able to talk to them about it calmly rather than over-reacting and then turning into an argument that gets us nowhere. They know they can come to me with whatever has happened, no judgement, no assumption and we can work things out together.
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